RICHARD LITTLEJOHN: J.K. Rowling fiasco 証明するs Britain is now one big April Fool's joke

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Days like this it’s difficult to know where to start. What’s an April Fool’s joke and what isn’t? Search me.

Is J.K. Rowling going to be 逮捕（する）d and 告発（する），告訴（する）／料金d with ‘hate 罪，犯罪’ for 主張するing that women don’t have willies?

This time last year, that would have been a nailed-on April Fool. But as of yesterday, ‘misgendering’ someone in Scotland is now a 犯罪の offence, carrying a 刑務所，拘置所 宣告，判決.

In Jolly Jocko Land, you can get banged up for failing to use the 権利 pronouns to 述べる a man who identifies as a woman, even though they/he/she’s wearing Lycra leggings so tight that you can’t only notice their/his/her 生物学の sex, you can tell their/his/her 宗教.

Rowling has already gone into ‘You’ll never take me alive, 巡査’ 方式, publishing a 一連の ‘不快な／攻撃’ tweets and 反抗するing the police to feel her collar.

Is J.K. Rowling going to be 逮捕（する）d and 告発（する），告訴（する）／料金d with ‘hate 罪，犯罪 ’ for 主張するing that women don’t have willies?

How long before Jack Docherty’s 長，指導者 Commissioner Cameron Miekelson from the BBC’s Scot Squad 開始するs a 夜明け （警察の）手入れ，急襲 on Hogwarts and drags Harry Potter’s creator off to Barlinnie 刑務所，拘置所? J.K. would have been safer marching through central London, waving a swastika and 詠唱するing ‘Death to the Jews’.

によれば the Met Police, that’s perfectly 許容できる behaviour.

An 驚くべき／特命の／臨時の ビデオ 現れるd on Sunday of a conversation between a policeman and a ユダヤ人の woman 反対するing to a プロの／賛成の-パレスチナ/Hamas 行進者 brandishing a 掲示 featuring a swastika.

The woman 手配中の，お尋ね者 to know why the 抗議する人 waving the swastika had not been 逮捕（する）d for committing an anti-Semitic public orde r offence. She complains that the police have told her that a swastika is not, in itself, anti-Semitic.

PC Plod tells her ‘everything needs to be taken in 状況’ and said the person 伴う／関わるd had already been 逮捕（する）d for a public order offence in relation to a 掲示.

The woman replies: ‘Why does a swastika need 状況? In what 状況 is a swastika not anti-Semitic and 破壊的な to public order?’ The 巡査 explains: ‘I don’t have an in-depth knowledge of 調印するs and symbols. I know the swastika was used by the Nazi party during their inception and the period of them 存在 in 力／強力にする in Germany in 1934. I’m aware of that.’

She says: ‘I can’t believe this conversation is 現実に happening.’

現実に, I can, absurd as it may seem. From the moment the anti-イスラエル marches kicked off in the wake of the savage October 7 大虐殺, the Met has been bending over backwards, 今後s and sideways to appease the プロの／賛成の-パレスチナ/Hamas 暴徒. Two weeks after Hamas had 殺人d 1,400 Jews and taken 200 人質s, 支持者s paraded through London 詠唱するing ‘from the river to the sea’, and calling for ‘jihad’ and the eradication of イスラエル ― sorry, the ‘Zionist （独立の）存在’.

The fact that elements of the （人が）群がる were agitating for イスラエル to be wiped off the 直面する of the Earth didn’t appear to unduly bother the Boys In Blue.

The Met explained that while ‘jihad’ is usually taken to mean ‘宗教上の war’, it could also be 解釈する／通訳するd in several different ways ― for instance, ‘a personal struggle to be a good イスラム教徒’. So that’s all 権利, then.

J.K. would have been safer marching through central London , waving a swastika and 詠唱するing ‘Death to the Jews’. によれば the Met Police, that’s perfectly 許容できる behaviour

An 驚くべき／特命の／臨時の ビデオ 現れるd on Sunday of a conversation between a policeman and a ユダヤ人の woman 反対するing to a プロの／賛成の-パレスチナ/Hamas 行進者 brandishing a 掲示 featuring a swastika

And specialist officers had 診察するd photo graphs of what appeared to be an Islamic 明言する／公表する 旗 and 結論するd that the white squiggles on a 黒人／ボイコット background weren’t an exact match for the ISIS 見解／翻訳／版. Therefore, no 事例／患者 to answer.

All a 事柄 of ‘状況’, you understand.

So you can now go to 刑務所，拘置所 in Scotland for getting someone’s genitalia in a 新たな展開. But call for 集団殺戮 on the streets of London and you’ll get a 解放する／自由な pass and a police 護衛する.

I don’t know whether to とじ込み／提出する all this under You Couldn’t Make It Up, or Mind How You Go.

どこかよそで yesterday, it was 報告（する）／憶測d that the Lord’s 祈り had been read in Urdu and Swahili during the 復活祭 Service at Canterbury Cathedral to ‘celebrate 多様制’.

The Dean, The Very Rev Dr David Monteith, 招待するd a congregant from Pakistan to make the first reading, with English subtitles 事業／計画（する）d on to a big 審査する.

This had to be an April Fool’s gag, surely. 明らかに not. The reading was shown live on the BBC, which admittedly is no 保証（人） it was 本物の. It might just have been a joke which backfired. In Liverpool, ‘Urdu’ is Scouse for a shampoo and 始める，決める.

Then you 解任する last month, the Pakistani 旗 was flown from the roof of Westminster Abbey and London’s Regent Street was decked out in ‘Happy Ramadan’ bunting, with no room for 復活祭, and it all starts to make sense.

After the reading of the Lord’s 祈り, the 大司教 of Canterbury Justin Welby is 報告（する）／憶測d to have used his 復活祭 Sermon to 非難する ‘the evil of people smugglers’.

That has to be a joke. This is the same 大司教 of Canterbury who recently led the 対立 in the Lords to the 政府’s ‘stop the boats’ Rwanda 計画／陰謀.

To be honest, I don’t know why anybody bothers with April Fools any more.

The joke’s always on us.

• One of my laydees, Kathy, 令状s in 返答 to last week’s item about 女性（の） pheasants turning ‘queer’ and changing sex once they’ve stopped producing eggs.??‘As a no-longer egg-laying 女性（の）, 存在 past the menopause, I must also be turning queer. I find I am growing a moustache and a bit of a 耐えるd, have a sagging belly and creeping malepattern baldness. ‘I am a 生物学の 女性（の） but nature is 示すing さもなければ. My question is: which box should I tick on 政府 forms in 未来?’ How about ‘pheasant’, K athy?

Rumpole’s golden thread

There are calls for Sir Jeffrey Donaldson, who has 辞職するd as leader of the DUP, to be stripped of his knighthood after 存在 逮捕（する）d for ‘非，不，無-最近の’ 性の offences. I have no idea whether there is any 実体 to the 主張s and make no comment.?

But what bothers me is that he appears to have been 設立する 有罪の in some ４半期/4分の1s before having his day in 法廷，裁判所. Did we learn nothing from the disgraceful 操作／手術 Midland ‘Nonces In High Places’ 調査 into ‘historic’ sex 罪，犯罪s, which dragged the 指名するs and 評判s of blameless men through the mud in the wake of the Jimmy Savile スキャンダル??

As Horace Rumpole always 持続するd, the presumption of innocence is the Golden Thread of British 司法（官）. It 適用するs as much to 政治家，政治屋s and celebrities as to ありふれた-orgarden 犯罪のs like Rumpole’s bread-and-butter （弁護士の）依頼人s the Timson family. We must never lose sight of that fact.

• 輸送（する） 長官 示す Harper has 解除するd a 禁止（する） on fat fishermen going to sea. Elf’n’safety 支配するs had meant that some 水夫s over 17st would have to stay on 乾燥した，日照りの land in 未来. If the 禁止（する） hadn’t been 無効にするd there wouldn’t be a fish’n’半導体素子 shop left in Skegness, famous for the Jolly Fisherman poster. It’s so を締めるing!?

税金ing questions?

Keir Starmer never 行方不明になるs an 適切な時期 to remind us that he’s a distinguished lawyer. Why, then, hasn’t he bothered to read the 合法的な advice his 副 Ange Rayner （人命などを）奪う，主張するs to have received regarding her 失敗 to 支払う／賃金 資本／首都 伸び（る）s 税金 on one of her two homes and 申し立てられた／疑わしい 違反 of 選挙（人）の 支配するs? Isn’t he in the tiniest bit curious??

• 専門家s say that men hoping to father a child should stop drinking for at least three months. If women stopped drinking the birth 率 would 急落する 夜通し